why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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