I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
