The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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