hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Its about making memories worth repressing
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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