totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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