booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
