I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
being pregnant is like rehab
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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