lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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