If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
