seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
