I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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