his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
