The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
