in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
