R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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