So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
