I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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