Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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