I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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