I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
