great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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