My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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