I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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