I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
