you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Welp...herpes.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
