i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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