im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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