I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
