i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
