The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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