True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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