If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
