if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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