Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
