Are we in a gay sports bar?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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