We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
