I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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