dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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