mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
