well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
