I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
