I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The adults are the big ones right?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
