She went from zero to smokin in five shots
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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