Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
