I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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