Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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