I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
