His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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