birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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