Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
