i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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