I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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